The Christmas Peanut
by Topazwolf
Summary: Draco and Luna. Trapped in a room. No one's coming out of this sane. Co-authored by crystalcat101. *spoilers for book 5* please r/r


Topazwolf's a/n: This fic was written in a moment of temporary insanity due to lack of sleep and a comment about beans. I'll have to say I was a little disappointed with the 5th book: ducks as things are thrown at her: but Luna Lovegood was the COOLEST. I think she reminded me too much of myself…hmmmm.  
  
Crystalcat's a/n: I must agree that I was a bit disappointed with the 5th book: hides behind topaz: and that Luna is the coolest. And when lack of sleep, Luna, beans, and fanfics are mentioned you have to act on it and write it out to share with others. Plus we were really bored so enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: We don't own it. Read at your own risk, proceeding may make you considerably stupider and hungry for beans.  
  
Summery: Draco and Luna trapped in a closet…  
  


Draco scowled at the note in his hand, rereading it. "Draco Malfoy; Please report to the fifth room on the right on the fourth floor in the 2nd corridor."  He turned left and found the door specified by the mysterious note. It was orange and clashed horrible with the carpet colored carpet.  
            "Great," he muttered and opened the door, the light blinded him for a second and he was roughly shoved inside the room. The door slammed behind him. "Hey! What the-"  
            "Oh, hello Draco," a sweet, but spacey sounding voice called. Draco looked around the room and saw a strange looking girl with blonde hair and clueless blue eyes sitting in the corner of the bare room. Draco looked behind him to see that the door he had come though was no longer there.  
            "Luna, is it? Well, who cares, how do I get out of here?" he demanded roughly striding over to where Luna sat. The girl shrugged.  
            "Well I don't really know," Luna looked across the room and sank into deep though. Draco gaped at her. What a strange girl, he thought. He frowned and walked back to the wall that had at one time held the door her had come though. He hit it, nothing happened. He shouted, still nothing. He continued to search every wall and the floor until his hands were raw and his throat sore from shouting. He sat down on the grey floor and crumpled up the note and threw it across the room. Luna watched all this with a mild interest.  
            "There's no way out, you know. I've looked already," she said calmly after a moment. Draco looked over at her.  
            "You little skid mark! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT BEFORE I ACTED LIKE A BLOODY FOOL?" Draco screamed at Luna who just blinked at him and said nothing. Draco growled and stood up beginning to pace. He muttered curses for a while and finally sat back down, defeated.  
            "How'd you get here anyway? A note?" he asked her, trying to break the maddening silence.  
            "Well no, I followed a trail of Blott's Every Flavor Beans," Draco gave her  
a blank stare. "Well Daddy says that at the end of every trail of beans there's a magic rhino. Well, the beans led here, but I'm still waiting for my rhino." Luna looked around expectantly as if the rhino might show up if she voiced her wish aloud. She didn't notice the look of disgust and confusion that Draco gave her.  

There had been no talking between them for the last ten minutes. Luna had spent the last nine and a half minutes humming "Weasley is our king." Finally Draco couldn't take it.  
            "If you don't shut up you annoying wombat I'll shut you up myself!" he said taking out his wand and pointing it at her.  
            She stopped humming and looked at him and said, "Wombats are nifty." Then louder she added, "Though I think magic rhinos are even niftier." She quickly looked around the room to see if any rhino's had appeared.  
            Draco shook his head and his wand caught his eye. Smiling he thought, 'Why didn't I think this earlier?' He pointed at where the door had been with his wand and said, "Explodia." Looking at the wall colored wall he saw he had done no damage. He did it several more times and got the same result each time.   
            "You've got to be kidding me!" he shouted.  
            "I thought that was qwerty [1] too when I tried. For some reason we can't use magic in here," Luna said behind him.  
            He turned to her and yelled, "THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT!"  
            She smiled, "You looked like you were having fun."  
            Draco threw down his wand and pulled on his hair in frustration.  
            "That doesn't work either," Luna told him matter-of-factly. "Neither does hopping on one foot and thinking about beans." Draco banged his head against the wall. His goal was no longer to get out of the room, but to keep from going insane. So far he was having no luck.  
  
~~~~Meanwhile~~~~~~~  
            "Ow, my scar hurts," Harry grabbed his forehead as his scar burned. He fell to the floor and writhed in pain.  
            "Are you okay?" some random person asked. Harry stood up.  
            "Of course," he told the random person. The random person leaves. Harry then goes through internal struggles of whether or not to tell an adult about his scar-pain. Eventually he decided he should. He decided to talk to an adult in the Order, but instead of finding someone in his school, he takes many  
unnecessary risks.  
            "Hey my scar hurts, do you think it means anything?" Harry asked some random adult of the Order.  
            "Well yes, it means something dreadfully dark and secret, but I won't tell you, you'll find out in time," the random adult of the Order told Harry.  
            "Aw shucks," Harry replies. Harry then gets punished for doing bad things. He gets very broody and pities himself. Ron and Hermione try and talk to him, but Harry gets mad and yells a lot. Later, after Ginny makes some wise comment, Harry realizes he was being a jerk and apologizes to Ron and Hermione. Harry tells them about his scar, they come up with many ideas, none being correct. Harry broods some more. Harry dreams about something and the cycle repeats.

 This is repeated several hundred times and then Dumbledore fights Voldemort, no one wins. And thus the fifth book ends.  
  
~~~~Back in the Closet~~~~  
  
            Draco, in an attempt to maintain his sanity had removed his robes and tied them around his head, blocking Luna's rambling from reaching his ears. Luna had talked continuously for the past hour, when she saw that Draco was no longer listening she took off her shoes and made sock puppets.  
            "Then he went to Siberia and met the Cretin Cruncher," Luna said to the sock on her right hand, whom she had named Ocard the Beanless. "Yes, daddy's been lots of places." Luna paused if listening to the sock puppet. "Well he hasn't actually seen a magical rhino yet," Luna stopped abruptly and scanned the room, sighed and then continued," but he says that some day it'll happen." Draco couldn't make out her words, but he ripped off his robes. Luna looked at him and turned the sock puppet toward him. The invisible eyes of the sock puppet finally did Draco in, he began to cry.  
            "Ah! I hate my life! All I ever get to do is make snide remarks!" Draco wailed.  
            "My only friends are practically made of marshmallow goo!" Draco sniffed loudly, Luna muttered something about liking marshmallows and Ocard the Beanless continued to stare at him, so he went on. "I'm so jealous of Harry Potter, just once I would like to be the good guy, I want to be more than a minor character, I want depth." Draco sobbed. "Its really hard being evil all the time, all I get to do all day is think up mean comments and eat pudding." Draco continued to pour out his soul to the insane girl and the sock, and the aforementioned audience continued to stare. Finally Draco calmed, he looked to Luna.  
            "You know," Luna said slowly, "I was just thinking, beans are really good."  
            Draco blinked and the fell facedown on the floor utterly depressed and defeated. Luna exchanged glances with Ocard the Beanless and shrugged.  
  
Topazwolf: That was a nifty fanfic. I think we should steal Luna or something because she is so cool 

Crystalcat: We should and then we can ride magic rhinos and eat beans 

TW: Yeah, jelly beans made of real jelly...eww that's kinda gross 

CC: lol yes it is. Hey did you let them out of the closet? 

TW: No, did you? 

CC: No, I thought you were going to 

TW: I didn't because I was going to let you do it. 

CC: Come on, lets get on our magic rhino and let them out. And bring the beans. 

~~~~20 minutes later~~~~~ 

            Topazwolf and Crystalcat got to where they had trapped Draco and Luna. They made the door reappear and opened it just in time to hear Draco yelling. 

            "MAGIC RHINO'S DO NOT EXIST!" 

            Luna rushed passed him. Draco was confuzzled and watched her. In the doorway were two girls on a rhino and Luna was petting it in awe. They saw him look at them and they waved. 

            "See magic rhino's do exist," Luna said in a "told you so" tone 

            Draco stared dumbfound. "Who are you and how did you get the door open?" 

            "Um...hey look over there," one of them said. Draco and Luna both looked and the two on the rhino turned and rode off in to the sunset. When Draco and Luna turned back around they saw them gone. 

            With a sad look on her face Luna said, "I didn't get ask them if I could ride their rhino." Luna heard Draco yell and a loud explosion, she turned around, just knowing it was a 5 nosed wombat coming to eat her, but she saw that Draco was turning into a magical rhino. She smiled and clapped her hands happily.

            "Oh sorry Ocard," she jumped onto the rhino. "Onward noble beast." The rhino, once Draco, could only obey, he trotted off down the hall and Luna sang "Weasley is our King" over and over and over and over and over and over… 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Topazwolf: The End! Aren't you proud? I can't believe we actually finished something.

Crystalcat: Yes neither one of us are good at finishing things but we have done it. WE deserve some beans and pie.

TW: Yes I agree. Hurrah! Go fics! Okay readers, be kind rewind…er review… Hey, what does qwerty mean anyway?

CC: It means like weird or strange.

TW: *cries* I don't want it to be over

CC: Aww poor Topaz *pats her on the head a little too hard* Don't worry I know what to do * Picks up Draco's wand * Accio Viggo!  *Viggo Mortensen appears*

TW: Yay! *jumps on Viggo*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Censored~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Crystalcat and Topazwolf: Thanks for reading please review


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